Each year the Washington Post’s Style Invitational asks readers to pick a word from the dictionary, to add, remove or change a single letter and then to submit a suitable new definition. Below are this year’s winners. Brilliant!
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an a**hole.
Credits: cpbotha.net
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Signs of the Times
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
On a Chiropractor’s door: "No Bones About It - We'll Crack you UP!!"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Sign on a venetian blind company truck: “Caution Blind Man Driving”
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
On a Chiropractor’s door: "No Bones About It - We'll Crack you UP!!"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Sign on a venetian blind company truck: “Caution Blind Man Driving”
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Costco Doctor!
Costco (for non-US types - a discount shopping chain, like Wal-Mart) doctor!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. Get some liniment at the Costco pharmacy, in the meantime. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
"2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
"3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
"4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins - they aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
"5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
"Thank you for shopping @ Costco!"
Peace
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. Get some liniment at the Costco pharmacy, in the meantime. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
"2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
"3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
"4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins - they aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
"5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
"Thank you for shopping @ Costco!"
Peace
Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Rachel, my wife, and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a--hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Rachel called him a “s--t head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. Peace.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a--hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Rachel called him a “s--t head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. Peace.
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